‘God wants you to be free of OCD’

A couple of weeks ago, whilst I was starting to relax after having dinner round at friends, I was caught totally by surprise. I found out that my friends wanted me to seek and receive healing and freedom from the OCD from God. My re-action to this was one of fear. I felt extremely threatened.

So, what did they believe God would do, if I did the ‘right’ thing? And why did I re-act the way that I did?

Let's go back to that evening. In answer to a question, I explained that the proposed treatment options being pursued for me, are not cures for OCD, but my hope is that they will enable me to gain further insight and skill at managing the OCD. And that I would then be able to manage it without the need for regular courses of therapy, and hence I would be able to keep myself healthier.

What I did not realise was that this was definitely NOT the right answer. I was told firmly (and to me it seemed very stern as well) that

“God did not bring me back to Himself for me to have a continual battle with OCD. This is not what God wants for me. I need to find out the root cause of the OCD, and to get that dealt with. There are people who can help me identify the root cause and to deal with it. It would be hard, but that these friends would support me through this.”

I’ll translate the above for those readers who are not familiar with fundamental Christian beliefs. “God wants me to go to a Christian counsellor, who by using prayer ministry, in conjunction with counselling techniques, would work with me, to identify the root cause of the OCD. The end result of the counselling would be that God would free me completely of OCD.”

What my friends already knew, but you do not know, is that just over 20 years ago, the leader of a church that I was part of, prayed for me that I would be free of OCD – totally and completely ‘healed’. The flip side of this coin was that as far as the leaders and other members of the church were concerned, the healing took place – I was free of OCD. If I didn't feel free of OCD, it was my fault e.g. I did not have enough faith. Mistakenly, I acted on the belief that I was free of OCD, and a mess ensued – I won’t go over the gory details of this, but it had a profoundly destructive affect on me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I can honestly say that a couple of weeks ago, after the above dialogue, when my friend went to hold me to start praying, I was really, really frightened. I felt extremely threatened. My eyes filled with tears, and my friend noticed and let go of me, and the situation passed.

Without this episode, I already have days when I believe that I am wicked, because I am convinced that I could stop the OCD rituals if I wanted to stop. This is one of the distressing thoughts caused by the OCD. I have to focus on what I have been told: I am not wicked, and that this belief is one of many distressing thoughts that are caused by OCD.

There is no question that my friend had the best of intentions. However, I was left feeling:

• I was not living up to their expectations.
• I did not have sufficient faith.
• I was not good enough.
• I was a failure.
• They would no longer support me, and help me, because I did not meet their expectations. Something that I learned last time round, 20 years ago.
• I was wicked, because God wanted to heal me, and I did not want to be healed.

I felt that I was evil because the thought of not having OCD frightened me so much. I thought surely I should want this healing. I was a ‘sick’, horrible person who wanted to remain ill. I have talked this over with a couple of people. Both of them said the same thing to me, and that has brought me some degree of peace. They understood my re-action. They understood that a life without OCD is currently outside of my comprehension, and that terrifies me. They talked about prayer working hand in hand with the treatment that I am hoping to receive.

I also know that I feel safe being treated by professionals within the NHS. I feel threatened by the thought of 'independent' people treating me. Staff within the NHS have ensured I am safe when I am ill, and in return I trust them. Maybe being well is not actually the scary thing, maybe it is more to do with who works with me to achieve improvement and/or freedom from the OCD. I need to trust those people.

My faith is weak – I know that. Regardless of what we believe, let’s aim to show compassion to others. Let’s aim not to heap even more expectations on other people. Let’s aim to support people unconditionally. Let’s remember that the person we are speaking to is in a different place (spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically) than we are. Let's remember that just because the other person is in a different place from us, they are not in a lesser place or a worse place, just a different place.