Contains swearing, so please do not read if you will be offended. Thank you.
Sometimes the emotions that I feel are just so intense, and expressing my feelings on the web helps me to re-gain some kind of equilibrium. I have learnt that I get very upset and distressed over any problems and/or disappoints regarding getting help/support. This is one such example.
A few weeks ago, triggered by learning that I had a further seven weeks to wait for the assessment, I wrote the 'poem' below. I felt desparate - desparate for treatment. I posted this poem (semi) anonymously on the website of an organisation that provides me with support. And I also included it as a comment, to a post on Talking Therapies, on the Mind website.
The weekend followed, and at some stage during it, when I was calmer, I undid both of these actions. Making it public had served its purpose - I was in control of my emotions, and decided that it was better all round if it was removed.
So why am I posting this poem here on my own blog? Well I actually think that if it is going to be shared anywhere then this is the place.
Why am I sharing it at all? It communicates something of my feelings. It provides a glimpse of my world, when I'm not at my best! It reveals the extreme affect on me of the delays in treatment caused by the long NHS waiting lists. And sadly, many, many other people with mental health problems are in the same position.
At times, life is shit,
I am shit.
Sitting here,
Sitting here,
Still sitting here,
Why don’t I move?
I can’t be bothered.
I don’t like myself.
I want to hurt myself,
So that I suffer.
Still sitting here.
In seven weeks, I’ll be assessed.
When will someone help me?
I’m sitting here.
Still sitting here.
In seven weeks and one day,
I’ll have been assessed,
I’ll be sitting here.
When will someone help me.
I am shit.
I am sitting here.
Monday, 26 April 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Good to express stuff in poetry - I do too... Some of it is unprintable though.. kinda wish I could.
ReplyDeleteI like your poetry :)
This reminded me of Sylvia Plath's poem "I am Vertical." I don't quite know why it reminded me of it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you know it? It starts "But I would rather be horizontal." It is not as angry as your poem though, perhaps anger can be positive?
And the denouement of the novel 'The Bell Jar.' 'I am, I am, I am.'
ReplyDeleteHi Lesley,
ReplyDeleteAs always, many thanks for your comment. I really appreciate your encouragement, and observations.
Take Care
Hi Suem,
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your comments. Really appreciate your feedback.
I have just looked up Sylvia Plath's poem, and am really pleased you mentioned it. It has triggered some thoughts which I will feed in to future poem(s), which is excellent.
For me, at the moment, anger is just a fact at times, arising from the position in which I find myself. Expressing my feelings in writing and actually making it public almost instantly, helps me to handle the anger. Maybe a bit like a pressure cooker, letting off steam.
Hi rielouise
ReplyDeleteI am showing my ignorance here - I had not previously heard of Sylvia Plath. I have looked up the novel and the quote in your comment. I ended up on this site:
http://www.novelguide.com/thebelljar/themeanalysis.html I read the part on Death and Re-birth, which I found really interesting.
I am pleased that you pointed me to 'The Bell Jar'. It may - when I can concentrate sufficient to read more than shortish blog posts - be something I will read. It has sparked interest in me!
Many thanks