Keeping in touch

Just feel that I've been caught out yet again. This has happened so many times.

I had not heard from a friend of mine for about six weeks. We were very close and used to phone each other each week for a good chat - albeit this has not been the case for a long while now. Last time I phoned her there was a bit of a worry about her husband's health, and I was starting to wonder whether some thing was really wrong, not having heard for so long. So I've just phoned, and everything is fine, which is very good news. But I feel decidedly miffed, that yet again I have given in and phoned.

Why do I worry, and feel concern over them when I do not hear for a while? They have not felt sufficiently concerned to phone me. It is this inequality in the friendship that really grates.

Now I know that they are fine, I so wish I had not given in and phoned, but just waited to see how long it would be until she phoned me. It is obvious that our relationship has changed, and I suppose I have not really adjusted to this.

On the other hand, I think it must be difficult for my friend to have a conversation with me, so phoning me can not be a very attrractive propsition. The longer the gaps between our communication the more difficult any conversation is for me. My world is now so different from their experience. With the OCD and depression, and the 'state of my spiritual life', my life has little in common with their lives, and the fact is that they have little understanding or comprehension of what my life is like. That is not a criticism of them, it is a statement of fact. How can they understand, if I do not feel able to explain?

I feel desparately lonely at times, and yet I am aware that I am pushing people away. Communication is just so difficult.