Keeping in touch

Just feel that I've been caught out yet again. This has happened so many times.

I had not heard from a friend of mine for about six weeks. We were very close and used to phone each other each week for a good chat - albeit this has not been the case for a long while now. Last time I phoned her there was a bit of a worry about her husband's health, and I was starting to wonder whether some thing was really wrong, not having heard for so long. So I've just phoned, and everything is fine, which is very good news. But I feel decidedly miffed, that yet again I have given in and phoned.

Why do I worry, and feel concern over them when I do not hear for a while? They have not felt sufficiently concerned to phone me. It is this inequality in the friendship that really grates.

Now I know that they are fine, I so wish I had not given in and phoned, but just waited to see how long it would be until she phoned me. It is obvious that our relationship has changed, and I suppose I have not really adjusted to this.

On the other hand, I think it must be difficult for my friend to have a conversation with me, so phoning me can not be a very attrractive propsition. The longer the gaps between our communication the more difficult any conversation is for me. My world is now so different from their experience. With the OCD and depression, and the 'state of my spiritual life', my life has little in common with their lives, and the fact is that they have little understanding or comprehension of what my life is like. That is not a criticism of them, it is a statement of fact. How can they understand, if I do not feel able to explain?

I feel desparately lonely at times, and yet I am aware that I am pushing people away. Communication is just so difficult.

On the road to recovery

During the last couple of weeks I have started having thoughts about things I want to do once the OCD is under control. It is the first time I have experienced thoughts like this for about two and half years. This is another step on the road to recovery from depression.

Like so many ways in which depression has affected me, it is not until something returns to my life, that I realise it has been missing!

I am looking forward to a time when I walk in the countryside. Where I can enjoy the natural world - fields, trees, birds, a breeze, maybe corn fields, maybe woods. I am also looking forward to a holiday in the countryside or on the coast - somewhere quiet, and peaceful - here in England, and maybe not too far away from home.

These things are not currently within my grasp due to the OCD, but this is still a really excellent change for the better! :-)


Photo 'Light in the Forest' from Photolibrary by Dan

Who am I ?

Hi, welcome to my second post!

I guess for a while each post I write will be a milestone for me. :-) That is quite a good feeling, and I hope you can feel it with me.

Depression has affected absolutely all aspects of my life (sorry if that is stating the blindingly obvious). In my last post, I mentioned the impact on some of the more tangible aspects of my life. However, probably the impact on the less tangible aspects of my life has been of more significance. These aspects seem to be more involved in making me who I am.

I used to have a substantial capacity for feeling compassion and empathy, excellent levels of concentration and a very high level of logical thinking. Now I struggle with greatly reduced levels of all of these. Plus there is my enormous loss of confidence.

In addition, somewhere along the way I appear to have virtually lost my Christian faith. It was a huge part of my life. I do not fully understand how this has happened. It is as though the shutters are down, between me and God. I do not want to be involved. I have read how other people have found their faith a major source of strength and comfort whilst suffering with depression. Unfortunately this has not been my experience. I am wondering whether you have (or had) faith, and have experienced depression – if so, how did the depression affect your faith?

Part of me actually wonders who I am. I know my name! Even if you do not! (lol) That’s not the issue. If I put my name to one side, WHO AM I ?

It seems almost like I am coming out of a very, very deep dark sleep, and that gradually different parts of my life are slowly – very slowly – waking up.

I think that I need to be patient and just take small steps, as and when I have the internal resources and motivation.

Well that’s it from me for now.

Until next time, take care, and thank you.

Recovering from depression ...

After two and half years I am free from depression! I no longer feel emotionally dead. My speech has variation in it, and reflects emotion. I no longer move as if in slow motion!

I am finding out that being free from depression does not mean that I am back to my ‘old self’. And I ‘m not being particularly negative, just honest.

Gradually, I’m starting to do things. I’m sorting out papers that were spreading over the floor. I’m watering a new pot plant, instead of leaving it to die like the previous ones. I am reading more – articles – no books yet. I’ve had my parents round for a cuppa tea and cake; first time in over a year. All very positive things.

A few years back, after a period of depression, it took me a long time to recover. I’m using recovery to cover the process between the end of depression, to when I was once again a confident individual. However, I am almost certain that my confidence never did return to how I was prior to being ill.

The recovery, which I’ve just started on, appears to be huge, when compared to previous recoveries. Maybe like comparing a 10k run to a marathon. I think this is because this period of illness has lasted far longer than previously, and also I no longer have a job to return to.

I feel like I have to re-establish much of my life. I happily took redundancy about 4 years ago. When I became ill I was a full-time student, but was not able to continue my studies. My interests have lain dormant for almost 3 years, some friendships have suffered, and some have even fizzled out.

Then there is the affect on the other less tangible aspects of my life. But I think this is enough for one post, so bye for now.

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading this, my very first post! Hoping you visit again.