Just feel that I've been caught out yet again. This has happened so many times.
I had not heard from a friend of mine for about six weeks. We were very close and used to phone each other each week for a good chat - albeit this has not been the case for a long while now. Last time I phoned her there was a bit of a worry about her husband's health, and I was starting to wonder whether some thing was really wrong, not having heard for so long. So I've just phoned, and everything is fine, which is very good news. But I feel decidedly miffed, that yet again I have given in and phoned.
Why do I worry, and feel concern over them when I do not hear for a while? They have not felt sufficiently concerned to phone me. It is this inequality in the friendship that really grates.
Now I know that they are fine, I so wish I had not given in and phoned, but just waited to see how long it would be until she phoned me. It is obvious that our relationship has changed, and I suppose I have not really adjusted to this.
On the other hand, I think it must be difficult for my friend to have a conversation with me, so phoning me can not be a very attrractive propsition. The longer the gaps between our communication the more difficult any conversation is for me. My world is now so different from their experience. With the OCD and depression, and the 'state of my spiritual life', my life has little in common with their lives, and the fact is that they have little understanding or comprehension of what my life is like. That is not a criticism of them, it is a statement of fact. How can they understand, if I do not feel able to explain?
I feel desparately lonely at times, and yet I am aware that I am pushing people away. Communication is just so difficult.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
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I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. I've been there and it really sucks. There's alot of grief that comes with realizing some friendships may end. When I don't hear from friends, I remind myself that it's not about me personally. If I make it about me, I get depressed. In my own case, I have difficulty making phone calls due to anxiety, but I love to write, and it was really hard for me to accept that most people don't write letters, and that if I wrote them a letter and they didn't write back right away, it didn't mean they liked me any less.
ReplyDeleteHi Expwoman - many thanks for your feedback and encouragement. Really appreciate you coming by. It's as though you stand alongside me (albeit fleetingly) on my journey, and that does help - it really does. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHi Forever Learning,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you feel this way. I don't know if it helps, but I think we do all go through this "friend hasn't bothered to get in touch, and that makes me feel rejected and worthless " thing from time to time.
Hope things soon improve in some way and you can find things to look forward to:)
Hi
ReplyDeleteI once did an experiment - I stopped phoning and keeping in touch to see how long before others phoned me. I think the answer might have been for ever. I felt put out, but I just wonder whether some people have a gift for building community and others have other gifts. You are particularly good at seeing if people are ok.. it is exhausting though, I wonder whether those who build community need to go easy on themselves (speaking to myself of course) :)
Keep loving people, costly as it is...