Who am I ?

Hi, welcome to my second post!

I guess for a while each post I write will be a milestone for me. :-) That is quite a good feeling, and I hope you can feel it with me.

Depression has affected absolutely all aspects of my life (sorry if that is stating the blindingly obvious). In my last post, I mentioned the impact on some of the more tangible aspects of my life. However, probably the impact on the less tangible aspects of my life has been of more significance. These aspects seem to be more involved in making me who I am.

I used to have a substantial capacity for feeling compassion and empathy, excellent levels of concentration and a very high level of logical thinking. Now I struggle with greatly reduced levels of all of these. Plus there is my enormous loss of confidence.

In addition, somewhere along the way I appear to have virtually lost my Christian faith. It was a huge part of my life. I do not fully understand how this has happened. It is as though the shutters are down, between me and God. I do not want to be involved. I have read how other people have found their faith a major source of strength and comfort whilst suffering with depression. Unfortunately this has not been my experience. I am wondering whether you have (or had) faith, and have experienced depression – if so, how did the depression affect your faith?

Part of me actually wonders who I am. I know my name! Even if you do not! (lol) That’s not the issue. If I put my name to one side, WHO AM I ?

It seems almost like I am coming out of a very, very deep dark sleep, and that gradually different parts of my life are slowly – very slowly – waking up.

I think that I need to be patient and just take small steps, as and when I have the internal resources and motivation.

Well that’s it from me for now.

Until next time, take care, and thank you.

Recovering from depression ...

After two and half years I am free from depression! I no longer feel emotionally dead. My speech has variation in it, and reflects emotion. I no longer move as if in slow motion!

I am finding out that being free from depression does not mean that I am back to my ‘old self’. And I ‘m not being particularly negative, just honest.

Gradually, I’m starting to do things. I’m sorting out papers that were spreading over the floor. I’m watering a new pot plant, instead of leaving it to die like the previous ones. I am reading more – articles – no books yet. I’ve had my parents round for a cuppa tea and cake; first time in over a year. All very positive things.

A few years back, after a period of depression, it took me a long time to recover. I’m using recovery to cover the process between the end of depression, to when I was once again a confident individual. However, I am almost certain that my confidence never did return to how I was prior to being ill.

The recovery, which I’ve just started on, appears to be huge, when compared to previous recoveries. Maybe like comparing a 10k run to a marathon. I think this is because this period of illness has lasted far longer than previously, and also I no longer have a job to return to.

I feel like I have to re-establish much of my life. I happily took redundancy about 4 years ago. When I became ill I was a full-time student, but was not able to continue my studies. My interests have lain dormant for almost 3 years, some friendships have suffered, and some have even fizzled out.

Then there is the affect on the other less tangible aspects of my life. But I think this is enough for one post, so bye for now.

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading this, my very first post! Hoping you visit again.